I’m a nostalgic person.
I know it’s probably not healthy to look to the past as much
as I do… but one of my favorite things is to look back and see how all the
little pieces of life have woven together, creating a pathway that in no way
seems like a coincidence.
I try to live my life in a way so I’m aware of events happening in
the moment—so I don’t have to look back and wish I had been more alert to the
special nature of the moment. But more often than not, moments pass by and I
don’t realize what I had until it’s gone.
Sometimes this depresses me… but as life speeds
forward, the one thing that brings comfort is being able to see how I have
grown or how other people have grown or how we’ve overcome trials and become
better for it. As I reflect on the past
year, there might be times I wish I could push the pause button on and relive,
but this has been a year where I’m beyond grateful to be where I am now!
Last Year:
Exactly a year ago I was wearing a heart monitor and passing out every day, knowing
that I wasn’t going to live to see the next morning. (Sounds dramatic, but
true)
Now: Totally
healthy—running 2-7 miles a day, loving life!
Last Year: Not
having a handle on what I wanted as a writer, which decision was best for me,
which pathway to take.
Now: I have clear
direction and know exactly what I want and what I’m going to push for.
Last Year: In
total fear for my cancer boy’s life, dealing with unforeseen circumstances.
Now: Have most of
the new issues under control and managed.
Last Year: Overextending
myself to try and please others. Giving other people the power to hurt me.
Now: Managing my
time better with friends. Only aligning myself with people who I really want to
give time to—with people I want to know forever. Weeding out the negative.
Last Year: I let
fear paralyze me. I allowed doubt to take over my life and stop any kind of
progression.
Now: I’m not
afraid anymore. There are still things I wish I had answers to, but the fear of
not knowing doesn’t control me anymore.
And the list goes on.
I know that if any of you were to make a list like this, you
would be able to see the change as well. It’s been one of those years I
wouldn’t want to relive, but like I said above, I’m also grateful for all the
ups and downs. It’s such a cool thing to look back and see how much has
changed—for the better.
This isn’t to say I still don’t have a list of things I need
to conquer and overcome, but I’m choosing to focus on the good (and here comes the cheesy part of my post) …
This is a pic I had my 7 yo take of me hugging (sort of) this tree. If you look on my instagram account, you can see how the tree used to be full and yellow and gorgeous, but now is barren. When I saw it, I pulled off to the side of the road because I was so struck with the change that had happened in such a short amount of time. It only reminded me that in a blink, the tree would be full of life again… which totally made me cry as I thought about my own life and how life comes back to us even when we think we're at our lowest and we'll never feel passion again.
That's what this year has been. A cycle, just like this tree. Sigh.
Anything you want to share? What is the biggest difference
in your life right now that didn’t exist a year ago?
Red. Head. Out. <3
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